Of Bill And Hillary And Al and Walt

Sorry to be a bit late with this one. I have been out of the country, courtesy of Sir Harry (Lord, how that comes trippingly off the tongue) and the trip took longer than expected. My task was to deliver to Hillary Clinton certain obscure codes related to nuclear submarines, which raised the question of what Sir Harry got in return -- a kind of Rumsfeldian 'known unknown'. Well, time will tell -- too late as usual.

I thought it would be a quick trip to Foggy Bottom in Washington, but the woman had hared off to Nairobi, and hence things took a bit longer than expected. The codes were encrypted into a microchip, and although I was thoroughly, and I mean thoroughly, searched in Nairobi, the microchip was safely in....well, never mind where. So, a successful mission.

Hillary was also flushed with success. Apparently two reporters for Al Gore's TV station, Current, had strayed across the border between China and North Korea. Whether or not this was so is irrelevant -- the upshot was that they were seized and immediately fired off to Pyongyang for trial and a sentence of 12 years of hard labour. Why young women are continually and foolishly putting themselves into this sort of situation escapes me. Have they never read T.S. Eliot's play The Cocktail Party?

So there were the two women, Euna Lee and Laura Ling, languishing in a Pyongyang jail, totally at the mercy of the Dear Leader, Kin Jong Il. As Hillary tells it, steps were immediately taken. She, Al, Bill and Barack got together, and through various back channels -- step forward, Sir Harry -- they determined what the Dear Leader really craved, the receipt of which would be a pardon for the two women. Kim, you see, had always gotten along fairly well with Bill Clinton, and wanted to see him again. (Kim had thought George Bush to be insane, to which I say, 'takes one to know one'.) And besides seeing Bill, he wanted a special gift. Apparently the Dear Leader is fixated on Disney films, and particularly wanted Snow White, The Little Mermaid and Cinderella. Bill agreed to bring the whole canon on DVD, but Kim said to not bring Fantasia -- the 'Night On Bald Mountain' segment scared the crap out of him.

All this was put in motion, and shortly after, success. Triples all round, a rare win-win situation for Washington. Even the Republicans stayed out of this one, busy as they were trying to prove that Obama's birth certificate was bogus. Oh, well, you can't have everything.

Hillary and I celebrated with some Grey Goose at the Embassy. However, one awkward moment arose when she asked me to tell her what she might be doing wrong.

"You're doing just fine."

"No, Simone, really."

"Well, you might consider, from time to time, wearing something else than a pant suit. A dress, a jumper, I don't know. I mean, you are an attractive woman. Such attractiveness can be a weapon, and weapons are there to be used."

"Point taken."

"But not just yet," I continued.

"What do you mean?"

"I have just learned that a woman has been arrested in Khartoum for wearing pants, and she's set for a flogging. So might I suggest something?"

"Please."

"Send old Al-Bashir your picture in your pant suit, along with a note saying something along the lines of 'We're watching you, you old bugger.'"

"Simone, you're priceless."

"Yes, I am."