Thursday, November 10, 2011

Afghanistan Redux

"You want me to do WHAT?"

It was Sir Harry on the secure line, requesting that I meet with Maulvi Jalaluddin Haqqani, the warlord who runs most of the criminal networks in Afghanistan and a goodly portion of Pakistan.

"You do realize," I continued, "that the Haqqani network has close links with Al Qaeda, and that my name is prominent on their most wanted list? You do realize this?"

Sir Harry replied, "Simone my dear, you've forgotten the adage, 'Behold the turtle. It makes progress only when it sticks out its neck'"

"Yeah, but its MY neck."

"Some neck. Some --"

"Oh, stop it." (Sir Harry occasionally thinks he's Churchill. He isn't.) "Now what really is going on?"

Turns out that various 'feelers' had been put out by Haqqani personnel requesting a meeting. I was cited as the one with whom they wished to discuss 'things'. Apparently they knew of my close relationships with certain wives of world leaders, and mentioned Michelle O. and Hillary C. in particular. Moreover, they were interested in meeting the person who had almost got Bin Laden in Tora Bora, and since then had been a massive thorn in Al Qaeda's side.

I had to admit the request was an intriguing one, and when I learned that Sir Harry guaranteed a safe meeting, and that I could bring two associates, I accepted.

The meeting occurred somewhere in Northern Europe, and I cannot divulge more with respect to place. Sir Harry loaned Sir Peter Crapp of MI6, a person that was as skilled (almost) in the dark arts as I was. As for myself, I brought along Irving, who was fluent in Arabic, and Matilda Hatt, who had a good working knowledge of Pushtun and Dari. They had other attributes as well, should things take a nasty turn.

I was surprised that we met with only two men -- the Chief of the Haqqani Network, Maulvi, and his son, Sirajuddin. Maulvi began speaking in Russian, something that indicated he had done his homework, and knew that I was comfortable in that language. The fact that he himself was fluent was in all likelihood based on the fact that he had fought the Russians tooth and nail at the time when Russians had delusions of running Afghanistan. It helps to know an opponent's language.

I wore my hair long and uncovered, as well as a nice blouse and jacket and an Armani pencil skirt. My point? Haqqanis, you're a long way from some poor Burka-clad minion that would be putty in your hands. Deal with it.

A trade was being offered. The Americans use of drones was, in Maulvi's words, disrupting business, and stopping such attacks would be a Good Thing. I countered that stopping suicide bombings would also be a Good Thing, as well as cutting all ties with Al Qaeda.

"You ask too much," said Maulvi flatly.

"Ah, but hear me out," I continued. "What if your network suddenly went all legitimate?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, as I understand it, among other Network activities, you offer, for a price, 'protection'. Now in the West, we call that insurance. Just think, your Network could offer such protection to ALL Afghans. They would pay a reasonable and affordable rate; the wide coverage would triple what you're bringing in now, and your new firm could serve as a model of legitimacy. Think of it as The Great East Life Assurance Company. Goodness, you could bring forth an IPO, even, in time, a listing on the NYSE."

Maulvi turned to his son. "What is the infidel bitch talking about? ' This was in Dari, and Tilly whispered the translation in my ear. Sirijuddin had obviously spent some time in the West, and had a handle on insurance. After their short interchange, Maulvi leaned forward. "People would cheat. They would lie. They would want more money to replace things than what they were originally worth. How could this be prevented?"

So I told him how, and the Haqqani's became familiar with the keystone of all such companies -- the insurance claims adjuster. They also agreed in principle to the deal, and gave me the go ahead to approach my conduits.

Who knows, the whole thing might come to pass. Yes, it's thinking outside the box, but never was such thinking more necessary. In this regard, I remember hearing the testimony at the Senate hearing concerned with the deadly fire that engulfed a NASA space capsule, killing two astronauts. One of the Senators asked, "How? How could such a terrible tragedy occur? Was there a failure?"

"Oh, yes," replied the NASA astronaut under oath. "There was a failure."

"A failure of what?"

The reply was terse and to the point: "Imagination."

No comments: