A Palaver With PETA

Well,well, well, I thought. Iran has finally sown some seeds of destruction. A recent news report indicated that the country had blasted into space a rocket containing various fauna -- hamsters, guinea pigs, even worms. So that should tear it.

I immediately got on the phone to the folks at the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, or PETA as it is known. Indicating that I wanted to make a sizeable financial contribution, along the lines of six figures, I asked the minion answering my call to be put through to my good friend Ingrid. (She wasn't my good friend at all, but Ingrid Newkirk is the President of the organisation, and I figured the mention of a large contribution, along with suggesting that I knew her well, would speed up access).

I was not disappointed.

Ms Newkirk began by thanking me in advance for my financial help, although she was a bit concerned about just where the funds would be coming from. Hmm. I wondered who'd been laundering money via the organization. Well, an issue for another day. I explained my wealth was based on sugar beets, and Ingrid was pleased. PETA apparently has no issues with sugar beets.

Then ensued the following dialogue.

Me: "I should like, however, to direct these monies to your Iran campaign."

Ingrid: "What Iran campaign?"

Me: "The one that is surely in the works. Iran has sent into space all manner of small, furry animals. And their treatment has been horrible."

Ingrid: "What on earth are you talking about?" (Ingrid apparently is not up on current events).

Me: "Just think about it. The poor creatures are laid out on boards, tied down, punctured with various electrodes, and then shot into space. Kind of like a hamster Hostel film. Terrible stuff."

Ingrid: "I'm not sure if --"

Me: "And it gets worse. You see, Ingrid, Iran doesn't have a shuttle which can return the creatures to earth. They're toast. Gone. Kaput. We're way beyond seals here. So these not inconsiderable funds will allow you to make effective demonstrations in Tehran. You can ram the point home to the Ayatollahs that PETA will not abide such cruelty to our animal friends. This is a much better way to make your point than savaging the income of First Nation seal hunters."

Ingrid: "We would not be allowed into Iran to protest."

Me: "Oh."

Ingrid: "But we will use the funds to publicize this atrocity."

Me: "Yes. You could get Sir Paul McCartney to lambaste old Khameni right and proper. That should do the trick."

Ingrid: "Certainly bears thinking about. And your financial help will assist us in closing down the Canadian seal hunt."

Me: "No, they won't. You see, Ingrid, I also have A Cause. I am very concerned about the fate of fish. In particular, the cod."

"Ingrid: "What has that got to do with cruelty to seals?"

Me: "Everything. First of all, the seals are killed humanely, not the way Iranians treat hamsters. Secondly, the growing seal population has destroyed cod fishing in the northeast Atlantic. Moreover, the growth of the seal population has led to a concomitant growth in the polar bear population, as any Inuit can tell you. Hell, just ask Sarah Palin -- she can see polar bears from her house. Now get with the program, and get some people into Iran!"

Ingrid: "I'm afraid that's not possible."

Me: "In that case, a cheque is on the way for publicity only. About $150 should be enough."

Ingrid: "But you mentioned six figures --"

"Me: "That was to pay off various official when your protesters were thrown into Iranian prisons. I mean, Iran is not Canada. Here, a slap on the wrist. There, the entire wrist goes."

Ingrid cut the connection at that point.

Oh, well, one must try.