Reviewing Accounts

Every time I receive an "assignment", I find it worthwhile to review my financial holdings, and ensure their proper dispersal should things go awry. Well, apparently some missionaries have gone and got themselves kidnapped in Darfur. One of them is a niece of an American senator, and a colleague of mine, Matilda Hatt, called and offered a very lucrative retrieval contract. Tilly knows I have some ability in this area, and yes, she does get comments on her name, Tilly Hatt. Nobody, however, believes this is her real name, something which can be considered a Good Thing, since Tilly is a senior operative in the CIA.

I will report on the mission (to the extent possible under the Official Secrets Act) in a later note, but for now my attention was focussed, not on what the Janjaweed might be up to, but on my accountant and financial advisor, Billy-Joe Barrett. Billy-Joe hails from the Deep South, and has made a fortune in day-trading on the market. He has an instinct for buying low and selling high, and has turned down a host of offers from investment banks. Some years ago Billy-Joe got into some trouble in Tijuana -- one of the drug cartels wanted the specs for certain device that is now safe in the NORAD vaults -- and I assisted in retrieving both the device and Billy-Joe. It was, as I recall, a fairly clean operation. Only six cartel members were killed, something remarkable in its frugality given how some of these Mexican things go. Billy-Joe spurned the offers from the banks, for he is far more interested in his hobby -- robotics. He was also grateful to me, and agreed to supervise my somewhat eclectic holdings.

His robotics enterprise is going well, but it was not always so. There was, for instance, the Quark debacle.

Quark was an invention of Billy-Joe, a humanoid robot that was designed to clean house. When Billy-Joe was satisfied that Quark was ready to be shown to the world, he invited a number of venture capitalists and their wives or "companions" to his house for a demonstration and a party. He indicated to the assemblage that Quark could only work on a pre-arranged room set-up, but once that set-up was encoded in his memory, well, Bob's your uncle. Only two commands were necessary: "Come out," and "Return". Billy-Joe then asked for silence, and in a piercing voice said, "Come out!'

The hall closet opened, and Quark emerged. The robot quickly set to work, and various appendages emerged from his body that enabled dusting, vacuuming, and polishing various surfaces. The guests had all retreated to one side, and watched with admiration as Quark completed his tasks. Billy-Joe then said "Return!" and Quark dutifully returned to the closet.

All were mightily impressed, the party took on a distinctly celebratory tone, and the liquor flowed. Perhaps too much, for one of the guests, in a moment of alcohol-fuelled courage, felt impelled to tell the group that it was time to reveal his true sexuality. "I have," he said in a loud voice, "come out!"

There was a moment of shocked silence, and then all were dashing around trying to avoid Quark, who had heard the command to emerge and was busily cleaning. But the room was now no longer "pre-set" and tables were upset, glasses crashed to the floor, and guests ran about trying to stay out of Quark's way. Billy-Joe was momentarily fascinated, but then came back to reality and shouted "Return!"

This Quark did, but as he entered his closet there was a shriek. Apparently the girlfriend of one of the guests had taken refuge in the closet, and Quark was pushing against her, pinning her to the back. She was attempting to writhe away, but maybe not, for when Billy-Joe said, "Hang on, I'll turn him off," she gasped, Augustine-like, "OK, but not just yet. Ye gods, but this is a wonderful robot!" Her face was flushed, and she appeared extraordinarily happy.

Billy-Joe waited for a minute, then cut Quark's power.

The girl's boyfriend stormed out of the house, muttering something about being shown up by a damn robot.

As for Quark's future, one of the venture capitalist had spotted an opportunity. Quark is now marketed to women, and is proving a huge success. He has been renamed BFF.

Thus a little background on Billy-Joe. He reviewed my accounts, and deemed them all satisfactory save for one thing. "What's this option to buy all about?" he asked.

"That's an option to buy Iceland," I replied, a bit uneasily. "A friend of mine, Hana Andersdottir, is in Iceland's Ministry of Finance, and apparently they really need liquidity. And with global warming, sugar beets might be possible..."my voice trailed off.

"Hmm" said Billy-Joe, and studied the option carefully. Then he looked up. "You see this codicil?"

He showed it to me, and I instantly saw the difficulty. Not only would I have to look after the country, I would also have to look after Bjork.

Deal breaker.