Thursday, March 7, 2013

Payment For Idiocy


Every so often I find it useful to review my financial holdings with my Chief Financial Officer, W.D.M. I am happy to report that all is well, a result of my determination to always have more money coming in than goes out. Would that the majority of the world's governments could say the same.

Over a well-deserved lunch, W.D.M. referenced a number of global financial issues that he laid squarely on government incompetence, and which have been documented ad nauseum -- Greece, American "free" mortgages, regulations you could drive a truck through -- well, the list goes on.

"And while Canada avoided much of this," he continued, "it by no means a paragon of financial probity. particularly when you look at the provinces. In Ontario, for instance, there is that ridiculous e-health mess, along with the fiasco of the medical helicopters, to say nothing of that ghastly political decision to move those gas plants so that certain members of the Liberal party could get elected. Taken together, I estimate that over a billion taxpayer dollars was mis-spent.

"Then there is Alberta, which had to shut down XL Foods because of an E-coli breakout, when just six months before the firm had received a $1.3 million contribution to upgrade its meat processing facilities. In Quebec the Mafia --"

"Enough!" I interjected. "Surely there is a lighter side to all this? It can't all be doom and gloom."

W.D.M. thought for a minute, then proffered the following.

"Well there is the matter of the sausages."

"What?"

"You see, Agriculture Canada sent $826,000 to Ontario's Cardinal Meat Specialists Ltd. to assist research that would prevent a sausage from bursting open when cooked. No word on the results, but the government communique on the subject indicated that a less explosive sausage 'was critical to the government's focus on jobs, growth and long term prosperity.' I am not making this up."

"Shades of the European Economic Community and the brouhaha over the Euro sausage."

But W.D.M. was not finished. "Then there is the Department of Defence and its purchase, to the tune of $438,385, for branded sports memorabilia, seen as essential for recruiting and peacekeeping efforts. Over the past four years, the Department has spent $176,000 on hockey pucks alone. In the words of a government spokesman, this would be of enormous help 'in contributing to international peace and security.'"

"Don't doubt it for a minute,' I said. "But all these examples point to government largess that is completely out of hand. I was hoping for more examples of what I would call 'slips' or small errors of judgement."

"For instance?"

"For instance, the Duchess of Cambridge. When she received the gift of a teddy bear, Kate mentioned that she would give it to her 'd'. So now we know that the expected baby will be a girl, the 'd' being 'daughter'. Now that's a slip.*

W.D.M. could but agree.

*I have the fortune to be married to an absolutely brilliant woman, who, in considering the possible faux pas on the part of the Duchess, didn't believe it for a minute. In her opinion, "daughter" would not have come trippingly off the tongue, as would terms such as "baby" or "little girl". What would come trippingly off the tongue would be her pet------dog. ...Ed.




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